The Black Beetle on Chicago Ave. sits awaiting my arrival, I enter the scene and my neighbors are there celebrating their move to an other city, an other life experience. They are already beginning their nightly lubrication of rum, beer, what have you. I am really great at being around drunk people, its a talent I have, I can act goofier than them, which then distract them from the fact that Im not drinking.
In walks the main antagonist of the night, Chip. Chip is a large and tall aggressive overweight burly self loathing alcoholic with grey bags under his eyes and a look of internal despair masked with aggressive rage who isn't afraid of making a fool of himself. I can roll with the punches with ye ole Chip, he talks about having a vagina, and I validate how wonderful his vagina must be, he talks pornographically and I call back with grosser phrases, unexpected from a lady like me. In the meantime, he oils his wheels more with his rum and diet coke as he said
'the diet coke for the fattass on a diet, and the rum for the alcoholic" I say, "yes sir indeed!! Drink up mother fucker!!".
the drama begins - Mr Chip goes to the bathroom and returns quickly with a panicked look in his eye. He retells what just happened in the bathroom which basically is : a really gross nerdy, greasy, overweight, loner guy who lookes lke a mole is visibly masturbating in the bathroom. Chip is clearly freaked and orders a shot to calm his nerves. After the shot seeps into his bloodstream, he begins to tell me that he wants to fuck me and make out with me. I tell him no thanks, this doesn't work as this begins to be his mantra for the night. He has spotted his prey and he wont veer from it. At one point he straddles me and sits his overweight alcoholic wreaking body on mine and starts dry humping me. In hindsight, I wish that I would have instantly grabbed his doughnut blobs of fat and squeezed as hard as I could and then head butt him, but no I remain calm and polite. Ah regret is such a bitch sometimes.
People get more drunk and I begin fucking with them, speaking in gibberish, taking photos of them, directing them, basically running the show, although Chip the antagonist is on his own schedule, but i ignore him and he gets distracted by other things, mainly going outside and getting high, on what, i can only imagine.
Good times are had with the neighbors and have a fun time dancing with the other descent drunken folk, as I said, i can roll with the punches, all in all good people.
Its time to go! They stammer and smoke weed and cigarettes, and stumble on to the next destination, and I walk home.
This story basically illustrates why I don't go to bars very often.