I know this is a weird blog entry, but I dont care, cause its my blog :)
If you remember when you were 11 and felt like shit, this is probably why you did. If you have kids around age 11, please read this and think about it.
When kids are young they act adoring of you, obeying you and obviously acting like they want you to like and approve of them – when they reach 11-ish on up this changes.
When kids get to this stage most parents feel:
A deep feeling of loneliness at the lost of the unconditional acceptance and esteem the child gave them when the child was younger
Angry at the kid’s pseudo independent behaviors
Threatened and powerless – this makes the parent do threatening things that make the child feel powerless (classic example: as long as you are under my roof you will follow my rules)
Questioned and upset because it feels to the parent like the child is challenging their power and authority
This is the stage of development – that if not understood and responded to appropriately – causes the most permanent damage to the parent / child relationship.
It is not a child’s job to understand his parents. It is not something a child can even truly do in the way we need them to. It is the parent’s job to understand the child’s developmental needs and adjust to the child’s attempts at independence, honesty (calling his parents on their actions) and asserting himself behaviors.
At this stage things need to be extremely consistent – non shaming – and the rules you set up need to be clearly defined and adhered to. The rules must be fair and easy to understand from a child’s perspective – not an adult’s.